Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
